


a lesson in 1800s-style debauchery from japan's finest bachelors

by UltraRecycloVegetarian



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Regency, Enemies to Lovers, Everyone is a Bastard, Fluff, M/M, everyone is rich
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28642281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltraRecycloVegetarian/pseuds/UltraRecycloVegetarian
Summary: the social scene has officially begun, and thus begins the race for an advantageous marriage. don't worry, we're quite spoiled with choice this year: tetsurou kuroo (9th-in-line for the crown), koutarou bokuto (owning a large sum of land), kiyoomi sakusa (rumored to have a fortune of ten thousand a year) and- oh! it seems we're in for a treat.just a little friendly competition between two very friendly sworn rivals.who can court the most women before they are wed - oikawa or ushijima? more importantly, who can do so without ruining their family's pride?in this chapter: the boys meet at kuroo's to discuss the official terms of their competiton, and tendou, goshiki, shirabu, and semi attempt to teach ushijima to talk to women with (some) success
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 14
Kudos: 23





	1. let the game begin

“Dude, don’t turn around now, but blue dress is totally checking you out,” Hanamaki snickered, elbowing Matsukawa. (But he squarely hit one of his coat buttons, so he winced and jerked his arm back, much to the delight of his friend.)

Matsukawa turned anyway, earning him a sharp jab from his other side.

“Do you two have any manners?” Iwaizumi hissed. “The function has hardly begun and you’re acting like schoolboys who have never seen a woman before.”

“Oh right, our deepest apologies to pussy-slayer Iwa, our lord and savior.”

The boys looked at each other for a moment before all three of them burst out laughing, the unspoken tension between them dissipating before it truly took form.  
After all, this year’s social scene would officially begin today, and the three of them were the oldest sons of their high-class families. So ideally, they were to be wed within the year. Which meant the search for an advantageous marriage began today, within the Oikawa family’s lush gardens. They’d decided to kick off the season by hosting the first function, inviting dozens of families and their adult children to mingle and pretend to get to know one another while taking inventory of who was wearing what, how much it cost, and how much it was still worth. 

Formal introductions were yet to begin, however, because Oikawa himself was nowhere to be found.

Iwaizumi remembered that there were quite a few gentlemen who had come in from out of town, and since that bastard Oikawa was probably trying to shoo a girl out of his room, he corralled Matsukawa and Hanamaki into officially greeting them alongside him.

“Atsumu Miya,” a stocky blond shook his hand, but his sleazy grin made Iwaizumi want to wipe his hand immediately. He vaguely pointed behind him towards the buffet table, “and there’s my twin brother Osamu.” But he must’ve noticed the hint of confusion on the boys’ faces, because he instantly turned around. “Oi! ‘Samu! Yer actin’ like we don’t feed ya at home, pig!”

(That was certainly a voice they would be impersonating later that night over a few drinks.)

Iwaizumi stifled his laughter and honed in on Hirugami Sachirou, who was a bit older than the rest of the boys. Perhaps he was trying his luck here after exhausting his options elsewhere. After that introduction had been checked off, Matsukawa was just about to say hello to the Sakusa family when a hush fell over the room.

Fashionably late before the trend had even been properly established, Tooru Oikawa sauntered through the open gate from his home. And like he’d been programmed to do it, he instantly met his best friend’s gaze and winked. 

God, there’s no way I’ll be able to get through this summer without beating his smarmy ass, Iwaizumi thought to himself and rushed to Oikawa’s side.

“And listen, this is the most important part, you have to make sure she’s looking at your eyes and not your hands before you-”

“Tendou, if you must attempt to teach Goshiki to pickpocket, please do so when we are not at such an important event,” Ushijima remarked, fixing his gaze onto Tendou’s. Perhaps he would’ve been more harsh if he didn’t know that Tendou was observing the setting just as carefully as he was its players. 

The Oikawa family’s pleasure garden was quite a spectacle - almost large enough to rival Ushijima’s. There were dozens of lighted paths spanning acres throughout the entire garden, so even in the evening one could enjoy a pleasant stroll. And there were curated flower beds placed every few meters, careful not to contain ordinary lilies or simple roses. (Goshiki had pointed this out; all flowers looked the same to Ushijima.) Entertainment came in the form of half a dozen music pavilions spread throughout, where small crowds could gather to hear melodies late into the night. Of course, with both the Oikawa and Iwaizumi family living at the estate, as well as the Hanamakis and the Matsukawas often visiting, there was always more than a small crowd. (Again, the members of this household were completely indistinguishable to Ushijima, but Tendou could easily identify them all.) And last he’d heard, they were in the midst of turning part of the forest they owned into a maze garden for the older Oikawa’s newborn son. How an infant would be able to navigate a maze was lost on Ushijima.

“Augh!” Tendou shoved his hands into his pockets and purposely bumped himself into Ushijima’s solid arm as they were walking. “Wakatoshi, I already know none of the girls are going to give me a second look when I’m walking next to you two handsome devils,” he turned his wide grin onto Goshiki, whose cheeks immediately flushed red.

“We are not here to look at girls, Tendou! Our goal is simply to accompany Ushijima and ensure he is as comfortable as possible.”

“Ooh, look at you, so proper and well-mannered.”

Ushijima tuned out their good-natured bickering, but Goshiki was right. They lived with him, spent all their time with him, and bantered with him to the point where he could almost consider them friends, but Goshiki was his father’s apprentice and Tendou was the son of his mother’s head maid. There would never be a family here that would agree to wed their daughters off to either of them.

Formal pleasantries came and went in a blur. There were some women that made Matsukawa and Hanamaki share a conspiratorial look - the short blonde who had just turned twenty, a girl with sparkling eyes and fluffy bangs who stepped up to greet everyone (but she was rumored to be seeing someone anyways), and Lev’s sister.

“Wait, holy shit, Lev’s sister?” Oikawa whispered and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Don’t try it, I heard she actually has taste,” Hanamaki whispered back. 

“Well, I wouldn’t anyway! Imagine having him as a brother-in-law!” Oikawa fake gagged before Iwaizumi grabbed his arm and twisted it.

As the shadows of dusk began to seep into the sky, the boys were allowed a bit more free time. 

“Kuroo, I didn’t expect you to show up!” Oikawa clapped a hand on his back before pulling out the white ivory metal chair next to him and sitting down.

“And miss seeing your gorgeous face? No, I could never!” Only Kuroo’s flair for dramatics even came close to Oikawa’s - perhaps that’s why they got along so well. Perhaps it was also because the Tetsurou family was directly linked to Japanese nobility, easily making them the richest one there. Not that Oikawa would base his friendships off of something so shallow, of course. Just a fact that informed his choices.

Once Oikawa and Kuroo had sat down, the rest of the table began filling up within minutes with all the usual suspects.  
Iwaizumi waved over Bokuto, Akaashi, and a blond he couldn’t immediately place, but later recognized as Bokuto’s new brother-in-law, Konoha. They lived quite a ride away, but their absence would’ve left a notable hole. But to be honest, Iwaizumi wasn’t sure why Bokuto’s family still bothered. No one on Earth would be able to put up with him except Akaashi.

Hanamaki kissed Kiyoko’s hand as she sat down, despite dirty looks from her fiance. (What was he supposed to do? If he didn’t demonstrate perfect manners, forget about his mother, Oikawa would have his head.) The rest of her and Tanaka’s friends and extended family followed, Kageyama and Hinata engrossed in an argument about whether the Juliet Rose in Mrs. Oikawa’s hair was real or fake.

Matsukawa teased Futakuchi about his new hairstyle (which suspiciously rivaled Oikawa’s) before sharing a solemn nod with Aone. If he had to put money on this year’s dark horse, it would almost certainly go to him. He was tall, well-built, and unassuming, not unlike someone else at their table. But unlike him, Aone had not single-handedly scorned the Oikawa family.

But Ushijima was content without an escort anyway; he barely noticed. He was simply here to fulfill a wish on behalf of his mother, and give Tendou the opportunity to point out women he found attractive. Ushijima couldn’t deny that they were all quite tasteful - but none of them were particularly interesting. It was no matter, though. Eventually there would be one that both his mother and father would agree on, and then the matter would be settled. He exchanged small talk with some of the newer faces and Bokuto almost wrangled him into an arm wrestling match until Iwaizumi promptly shut them down, even though (or perhaps in spite of) the small crowd that was forming. (And because he claimed that it was unnecessary, since he could beat both of them.) But mostly, Ushijima sat silently and kept an eye on Goshiki, watching him effortlessly interact with the people his mother insisted he should be befriending.

That is, until Tendou’s raised voice on the other side of the table caught his attention.

“No way, Wakatoshi pulls more bitches than anyone,” he bragged to Hanamaki. “The issue is that none of them are good enough for him.”

“That’s making the assumption that he can even tell any of them apart,” Hanamaki laughed back. 

Ushijima assumed he should join them since he is their main topic of conversation, but someone else got there before he did.

“Is Ushiwaka even here?” Oikawa stood behind Hanamaki, making sure he looked down at Tendou. “He didn’t bother to say hello to me.”

“Oikawa, they were just messing around, chill out,” Iwaizumi grumbled from behind him, but he went ignored.

Ushijima wanted to clarify that he earnestly looked for Oikawa at his arrival, but he was still in his home at that point and it would be rude to enter without an invitation.

“No, really!” Oikawa laughed, but there was no twinkle in his eye. “You think your friend over there could steal anyone away from me?” Oikawa’s sneer made his view of Tendou and Ushijima’s relationship perfectly clear. 

“That’s not even a question,” Tendou lazily grinned back as if he had no horse in this race, but there was heat practically emanating from his body.

“Ushijima won’t say anything himself,” Iwaizumi scoffed. “What, he makes you speak for him too?” 

“That’s enough,” Ushijima’s voice rumbled, effectively quieting the whole table. There was no reason for Iwaizumi to open his mouth at all, let alone address Tendou with that tone. “Oikawa, there is hardly a competition between you and me,” he spoke coolly. “I am able to...enchant more women than you. But at your insistence, I have no issues with proving it.”

Komori stopped drumming his fingers on the table.  
Yamaguchi whispered into Tsukishima’s ear.  
Sugawara’s face split open in a grin.  
Yukie’s flapping fan came to a halt.  
Fukunaga dared not chew.

“Well then!” Oikawa was beaming as if someone had offered him a million dollars. No, he had gotten something much better - a chance to prove himself, once and for all, better than Ushijima under the gaze of every upper-class family in Japan. The thought of the thorough humiliation Ushijima was about to be subjected to made him giddier than when he got a new pair of Wellington boots.

“Wakatoshi Ushijima, let the game begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! <3 thanks for reading, do let me know if you're enjoying, and any characters/ships you'd like me to emphasize! i'm kind of thinking of the plot as i go along, so anything's fair game lol. hope to catch u next update!


	2. has ushijima ever actually spoken to a girl before?

By the next day, letters detailing the confrontation between two sons of high society had begun circulating.

“Wakatoshi, what have I been hearing from my friends?” his mother whined over the breakfast table.

Ushijima opted to keep eating. 

“I don’t understand why you and that Tooru feel the need to keep picking fights, you’re perfectly agreeable in any other situation. Leave that poor boy alone.”

Goshiki wanted to respond that Oikawa was anything but, but Tendou slithered next to Ushijima’s mother and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Miss, you have absolutely no reason to worry. Do you believe I would ever let our dear Wakatoshi embarrass himself?” 

She began hemming and hawing as Tendou produced a plate of her favorite biscuits seemingly out of thin air, insisting she take one and then distributing it to the whole table. Tendou seemed to know how to deal with Ushijima’s mother better than her own son did.

“I don’t understand why you’re upset,” Ushijima’s father boomed from the other side of the table. “As long as my son wins, I don’t care what your friends have to gossip about.” He looked pointedly at Ushijima, expecting a response.

“I’d never lose a competition,” Ushijima grinned back, and his father went back to his newspaper with a satisfied nod.

“And you two,” he peered over the paper and tried to make eye contact with Goshiki, who immediately averted his eyes to stare at the ground, like a child caught staying up past their bedtime. (He was still shoveling breakfast in his mouth, though.) “Don’t you have any work to do?” 

In a flurry of “yes, sir!” and “sorry, sir!” Goshiki and Tendou scampered into the kitchen, leaving the Ushijimas to finish their breakfast uneventfully.

Two of the family’s footmen, Shirabu and Semi, just happened to be polishing knives right next to the kitchen’s door. And they just happened to be able to hear everything from the dining room.

“Damn, busted,” Semi chuckled and wiped a few stray crumbs from Goshiki’s face.

“He doesn’t usually eat breakfast with us. Wakatoshi’s mom lets us do whatever we want!” Goshiki grumbled. “And it’s not like they ever finish that huge table anyway... _I’m_ the one who has to set it every single day…”

“Say, did that bet actually happen?” Shirabu questioned, narrowing his eyes at Tendou.

“Of course!”

“And you think Wakatoshi will actually _win_?” Shirabu stopped feigning interest in the knives and leaned back against the door. “I mean, he’s super hot, but it took three years of me working here for us to even have a conversation.”

“He _is_ pretty attractive,” Goshiki mused.

“I don’t think you understand how much credit that gives him,” Semi agreed.

“And have you _seen_ how that new jacket hugs his arms?” Tendou dramatically leaned into Shirabu and fanned himself, prompting Shirabu to huff and push him off.

“Cut it out! I’m serious, how the hell do you expect him to hold a conversation with a girl?!”

“And why the hell do we all find him so ridiculously sexy?! Many questions, few answers,” Tendou pretended to be deep in thought, only serving to anger Shirabu more.

I don’t think I’ve ever even seen him talk to a girl before!”

“There’s his mother!” Goshiki supplied helpfully, earning him a smack on the head from Semi.

“Well Kenjirou, I digress, you’ve actually said something intelligent for once,” Tendou teased. “Maybe we should consider helping him out a bit.”

And while the four of them spent the next few hours dusting, polishing, and running around, they’d whisper in each other’s ears as they passed in the halls until they came to an agreement on how to spend their evening.

-

“Gentlemen, I’m so glad you could make it,” Kuroo grinned and looked around the tea parlor, Kenma sitting on the arm of his cushioned chair. Kuroo had dutifully assembled the biggest jerks from each estate, and those jerks also happened to be Kuroo’s closest friends.

“Oh, cut the formalities,” Futakuchi dismissively waved his hand and leaned forward in his chair. “Why did you invite all of us here?”

“Well,” Kuroo shot a look at Bokuto, who was sitting next to him and too busy pouring an obscene amount of sugar in his tea. “ _Bokuto_ and I thought we needed to have a discussion after last night’s events.”  
At the mention of his name Bokuto shot up, nodding along. “If Oikawa and Ushijima really are competing, we better figure out the rules.”

“Since when did _you_ care about rules?” Tsukki snorted. 

" _Hey_! I care about rules! I care so much!”

“He cares because he has a man-crush on Ushijima,” Akaashi added.

“But why would you have a crush on him when I’m right here, Bokuto?” Oikawa half-jokingly teased. “Besides, it’s not like he’ll _do_ anything anyway. I’d be surprised if he manages to get even a quarter of the girls I do.”  
“Maybe we should open the competition to boys as well,” Kenma mumbled, making Kuroo snicker. “That’d give Oikawa a run for his money.”

Kuroo had a point, though. Oikawa was sure he would win, but that victory would be for naught if it hadn’t been properly agreed upon. As Hajime Iwaizumi would say: Tooru Oikawa is many, many things! And as Tooru Oikawa would interrupt: but not a cheater!

“Kuroo, how are we supposed to make the rules if Ushiwaka isn’t even here?” Oikawa quickly surveyed the tight circle of armchairs arranged in the middle of the elegant parlor - Ushijima was nowhere to be found. The large pot of tea was dutifully being passed around with Futakuchi delicately pouring himself a cup. 

“Well, I _did_ invite him…” Kuroo scratched the back of his neck nervously.

“Oh, of course Mr. I-Have-A-Entourage-of-Servants-and-a-Foreign-Father wouldn’t bother to actually show up.” Oikawa huffed.

“Damn, you’re really sweating over this stupid competition, aren’t you?” Tsukki smirked.

“I am _not_ ! Why would I be sweating? _Ushiwaka_ should be sweating!” Oikawa defended himself for a second before realizing the best tactic to deal with Tsukki’s teasing was to deflect the blame onto someone else. (Not onto Tsukki himself, though. He had no shortage of women vying for his attention.) “And anyway, shouldn’t you be worrying about your friend _Bokuto’s_ chances? That intensity of his scares off any girl that works up the courage to talk to him!”

“Oh man, don’t even get me started!” Bokuto cried out in anguish. “It’s not _me_ , it’s Kaori and Yukie! If I don’t find good husbands for them, I don’t deserve to even think of finding anyone for myself!”

“Kaori and Yukie are Bokuto’s cousins from Kanazawa,” Akaashi explained. “Their mothers sent them to us, hoping we would find someone for them.”

“Well, you can always introduce them to Mattsun and Makki,” Oikawa grinned.

“Don’t mess around with me right now, dude,” Bokuto put his head in his hands. “I’m serious. I have to find actual _decent_ guys to get with them. I don’t think we know anyone who fits that definition in the slightest!”

“I don’t even know what decent means,” Kuroo agreed.

“I’m not messing with you!” Oikawa protested, and Akaashi fixed him with a chilling stare and raised his eyebrow. “They could be good husbands if they wanted to…” he grumbled, sinking back into his chair.

“Cheer up, Bokuto,” Kuroo couldn’t hide his smile as he patted his distraught friend’s back. “I’m sure some of the new boys aren’t bastards like the rest of us. I even invited one of them to our little party so you can do _alllll_ the questioning you want.”

“You invited Atsumu. He’s just Oikawa with a stronger accent,” came Kenma’s voice from beside him.

“Speaking of girls, though,” Futakuchi piped up. “Doesn’t Kuroo have a hot cousin visiting too?”

“ _Lev_?!” Kuroo put his hand over his mouth in mock surprise. “I didn’t know you were so open, Futakuchi!”

“It’s 1813 bro, love who you love,” Tsukki smirked.

“No, you assholes! Lev’s sister.”

“Like she would spare you a second glance,” Oikawa butted in. “Don’t worry though, you can console her after I’m done with her,” he grinned wickedly.

“But what does being ‘done with her’ even entail, my dear Tooru?” Kuroo leaned back into his chair, straightening up in a way that made everyone else in the room feel small under his authority.

But before he could get any further, a loud knock on the parlor doors echoed throughout the room.

“Tsukki, open the door,” Kenma directed while Kuroo whined about losing the attention he had just barely managed to command.

“Tsukki never listens to me, why is he listening to _you_?” he dramatically leaned his head onto Kenma’s shoulder.

“Because I actually respect Kenma,” Tsukki flicked the back of Kuroo’s head on his way to the door.

“Oh, Tendou and Semi,” the corners of Tsukki’s mouth twitched as he pulled open the heavy pearl-white door that went up to the ceiling of the parlor - its intricate gold design sprawling higher than even Tsukki could crane his neck to observe. “No need to bow to me, we’re basically friends!” (Though the insidious grin beginning to stretch on his face suggested otherwise.)

“No, no, I insist!” Tendou grinned back and bowed deeply, pulling Semi along with him. “Just remember if ‘Toshi had been here, you’d be bowing to _us_.”

“Don’t think you’re a part of the Kuroo family just because you spend so much time here,” Semi mentioned lowly and clapped Tsukki on the back as he walked by, making the blond flinch before he turned to welcome Atsumu, leaning against the hallway wall a foot back.

“Damn,” he whistled. “Ain’t very friendly, are ya?”

“I just don’t find too many people deserving of my friendliness,” Tsukki bit through his gritted smile. Tendou was enough, he wasn’t going to bother with entertaining this asshole too. 

“Fair enough,” Atsumu genuinely laughed and walked in without Tsukki’s invitation as well.

At the table, Bokuto was thoroughly grilling Tendou.

“What is he doing? Why didn’t he want to come? What could be more important than spending time with us?”

“Aw, it’s nothing serious,” Tendou flashed an apologetic smile to Bokuto as well as Kuroo sitting next to him. “The Ushijima patriarch just decided his evening schedule for him, y’know how it is.”

Both of them nodded in understanding.

“Well, we haven’t seen you around much, Semi,” Akaashi smiled. “It’s always an honor to have you here.”

Though Oikawa particularly hated Ushijima and anyone who called him by his first name and Tsukki and Tendou’s rivalry dated back to an incident four years ago where Tendou absolutely humiliated Tsukki in a game of shuttlecock, the rest of the boys didn’t treat the Ushijima family’s servants any different. If Wakatoshi treated them like family, so did everyone else.

While Semi and Akaashi held a conversation on the side, everyone else was subtly sizing up Atsumu Miya. The function at Oikawa’s garden was enough to learn where he was from, how much money he had, and what his family did, but now they’d _really_ be able to know him.

“Yer crazy if you think blondes aren’t sexy!” Atsumu declared.

“They just think they’re all that,” Kuroo shrugged. “And there’s nothing more striking than a woman with darker hair,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Kuroo’s just trying to find a woman that looks like him,” Futakuchi snickered.

“Anyway!” Oikawa cleared his throat. “Can we please get back to the issue at hand?” (But maybe he was just changing the subject because no one had asked about _his_ type in the past fifteen minutes.)

“Right, right,” Kuroo responded.

The rest of the table looked at him expectantly.

“He doesn’t have anything else to say,” Kenma grinned. “He and Kuroo only thought this far.”

“I invited all of you here, isn’t that enough?!” Kuroo snapped while the rest of the boys groaned, Futakuchi acknowledging that “we shouldn’t have expected any better from him anyways” with a roll of his eyes.

“I think the premise is relatively simple,” Oikawa swooped in to control the conversation. “I just have to make it known to the rest of you when I woo a girl.”

“Yeah, but how are ya gonna decide that?” Atsumu challenged. “Are we just supposed to take yer word for it?”

“Yes! Do I have any reason to lie?” Oikawa was beginning to grow irritated. Who did this Atsumu think he was, anyway?

“From what I’ve heard, yer not too inclined to tell the truth either,” Atsumu grinned; he was _enjoying_ Oikawa’s irritation.

Semi lightly snickered and whispered to Tendou: “We don’t even know him yet and he’s already antagonizing Oikawa for the hell of it,”

“A perfect example of bottom-on-bottom violence,” Tendou whispered back, making Semi choke on his laughter.

“Why don’t Bokuto and Kuroo keep an official count, then?” Futakuchi suggested. “They’ll be at every function, and they’ll be able to monitor all the girls you talk to.”

“Nah,” Kuroo interjected. “Bokuto’ll most certainly forget anything you happen to tell him and anything he happens to see. Kenma and I will keep track of everything.”

“I’m not keeping track with you. I don’t care. The only reason I’m even sitting here is because Yaku told me to,” Kenma swiftly deadpanned.

“You can come to me as well, then,” Akaashi quickly added, before Kuroo could start begging Kenma. “If we notice that a girl continues to show interest in you after your conversation has ended, she’ll count.”

This arrangement would certainly benefit Oikawa more than Ushijima - the latter didn’t exactly have the same way with words. So Tendou had to level the playing field somehow.

“Only conversation?” he grinned and leaned into the circle. “Shouldn’t we get extra points for anything...physical?”

“Tendou!” Oikawa gasped. “Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”

“Like you’re some kind of Virgin Mary,” Semi rolled his eyes.

“Y’know what! I like the sound of that!” Kuroo laughed. “Sure, let’s add that on too. Good conversation will be one point, any kind of kiss will give you a second one, making out will be two, and any further activities will yield three.”

“How are ya gonna monitor all of _that_?” Atsumu questioned.

Kuroo shared a knowing nod with Akaashi, his eyes glinting dangerously. “Oh poor, out-of-town Atsumu. I have eyes everywhere.”

And with that, Tendou and Oikawa shook hands with plenty of witnesses.

“Don’t think that you’ll be able to keep shielding Ushiwaka,” Oikawa’s grip tightened on Tendou’s bony fingers.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Tendou grinned back.

-

But in fact, Tendou _was_ dreaming of it. 

“Okay, let’s try again. I’m Kaori, and you’re Wakatoshi. What do you say to sweep me off my feet?”

Tendou had brushed the powder out of his hair and let it down, and he and Ushijima were standing in the middle of Ushijima’s bedroom while Goshiki, Shirabu, and Semi gleefully observed from atop Ushijima’s bed. Per Shirabu’s insistence, the boys had corralled Ushijima away from his parents after dinner and had spent the past hour attempting to find the charming soul that had to be buried in their somewhere. (After all, he’d managed to charm all of _them_ )

(Not that Ushijima wasn’t already charming, Goshiki repeatedly assured. The simple-minded women he’d be speaking to just wouldn’t _understand_ the nuance it takes to participate in enlightening conversation with the wonderful Ushijima.)

“Your hair looks quite curly.”

Semi barked out a laugh before Tendou could even think of what to respond, prompting all four of them into a fit of laughter.

“I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong,” Ushijima deadpanned. “Women strive to have elaborate curly hairdos, no?” 

“That’s not a compliment, it’s an observation! At least _try_ to sound like you’re interested in her! ” Tendou sighed. Even he was beginning to think Ushijima was a lost cause. He began to look closer Goshiki, the gears turning in his brain. They were almost the same height, they had the same dark eyes...Goshiki could always wear a wig...he was skinnier but nothing that some padded clothes couldn’t fix…

“Also, what occurred this afternoon?” Ushijima pulled Tendou away from his desperate thoughts.

“Oh yeah!” Goshiki’s eyes lit up. “What’s Atsumu like?”

“A slightly funnier bastard than the rest of them,” Semi laughed.

“We decided that you’d have to report to Kuroo or Akaashi once you started talking to a girl, and then they’d decide if she goes toward your count or not,” Tendou said.

Ushijima nodded, satisfied with the unbiased party.

“But none of that matters if you can’t snag anyone! Listen, _I’ll_ demonstrate,” Semi hopped off of the bed. 

“What makes you so qualified?” Shirabu rolled his eyes, but he _had_ helped Semi sneak out to see girls on quite a few occasions. If only _he_ could somehow pose as Ushijima, Oikawa would be left in the dust.

“Shut up, virgin,” Semi flipped Shirabu off. “I’m the only one here who’s actually spoken to a woman.”

“Actually, I’ve held conversations with both my mother _and_ Wakatoshi’s mother!” Tendou joked.

(Semi didn’t find that joke very amusing.)

Four pairs of eyes followed Semi as he approached Tendou, tenderly taking his hand and kissing it. “Kaori, I couldn’t help but notice you as soon as I arrived. Your hair looks absolutely stunning, have you done something new?”

He gazed so intently into Tendou’s eyes that Tendou almost responded, willing to keep up the charade if only to hear Semi’s honeyed words again. Damn, he was good.

Goshiki and Shirabu started snorting once more. How could they possibly take this seriously? Tendou had spent twenty minutes powdering his hair, and he was almost half a foot taller than Semi. The scene was absolutely absurd.

Semi swiftly turned towards them. “ _What_ was so funny about that?! It was perfect! I made her feel special by singling her out,” Semi began to count on his fingers (making Goshiki wonder if he should be taking notes on Ushijima’s behalf), “I complimented her, _and_ I gave her the chance to talk about herself!” (Semi said it with such confidence that Tendou even started to inspect his hair for split ends.) Semi then grinned proudly at Ushijima, who simply responded,

“But I don’t care about how Kaori does her hair.”

Which sent the boys howling with laughter again.

“I know you don’t, do you think I do?” Semi laughed. “But you have to pretend to care about things women care about if you wanna get anywhere with them.”

“Don’t I have anything in common with them?” 

“Oh, our poor Wakatoshi,” Tendou slung an arm over Ushijima’s shoulders. “Trying in earnest to get to know these girls. Listen, this is a _competition_. A numbers game.” He locked eyes with Ushijima, silently firing him up. Their little antics were fun, but neither of these two had forgotten about the true prize. Winning.

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Ushijima was whispering now, as if he and Tendou were the only people in the room.

Tendou straightened up and clapped his hands, “Let’s start again, from the lady’s entrance! This time, I want ‘Tomu to play Alisa.”

“ _Why_? I look nothing like her!” Goshiki whined.

“ _That’s_ your concern?” Shirabu snorted.

“I agree, her hair color is closer to Semi’s,” Ushijima offered.

“There is _no_ way you guys are making me flirt with Wakatoshi, Satori was bad enough!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello, so sorry for the wait! i wanted to add another scene to this chapter but i just couldn't wait to post haha, so hopefully my next update will be quicker :) but my real issue here..are any of these men even worth alisa's time...hehe lmk what u thought, i love reading ur comments!  
> p.s. thanks for 50 hits!<3


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